Living Uncensored

Out of the Dust March 10, 2003

2011-07-24T20:48:00.001-05:00

I came across this little passage, which I wrote on March 10, 2003. I surprise myself sometimes...

What I wouldn't give...

Continue Driving

The sound is so startling it wakes me from a pleasant dream (of you, there's no doubt). Slowly, I creep out of bed, painfully prying the warm blankets from my warm body to discover the cold air beyond. The sun has yet to rise. Darkness. My shower is heaven, having you in a bottle next to my preferred soap. I love to smell you sometimes in the shower. Clean. Fresh. I dress indecisively, but eventually settle while the car is running in the drive. Insecure, but stubborn about seeming confident, I walk briskly to my car. The cold air hits my face with the force I wish I had, controlling my every move. The car, barely warm, but optimistically 'not freezing' starts off with a minor cough. The cold air in her quasi-new lungs is rough to take before sunrise. She warms up quickly though. Driving under starlit skies, yet traveling to begin my day becomes depressing quickly. Feeling there need not be so much traffic because the sun isn't even up yet; getting annoyed because no driver can drive up to my speed standards. I'm forced to be patient (I don't want to cause an accident) but 'What If' I wasn't forced? What would I do then. Continue Driving. Finally, the bridge. Finally, the sunrise. I thank our creator and smile feeling refreshed and blessed. Continue Driving. Music. Station after station. Morning talk shows not interesting enough to keep me awake or sane. 'Scan' only works for a little while. I 'eventually settle' for some redundant song. Continue Driving. My mind begins to wander. A thought. A glimpse of you. Your smile. Your eyes. Your style. The way you love me. A strip of flashes runs behind my eyes where my memory lies. You. Me. Close. Together. Intertwined. Loving. A waterfall of warmth rushes through my veins, my body, my heart. My mind continues to drift into your arms, into your lips. Continue Driving. Things go further in my head. The warmth turns to heat. The feeling I get when we're 'together' sends a good butterfly feeling through my soul and up my spine. The feeling is poorly recreated in the Driver's seat that early morning. Although it is only fully experienced when in person, it still reminds me of you and I know only with you the feeling is intensified. Continue Driving. A smile stretched across my face. Then my thoughts shift track: I feel so lucky to have you. Onto my sensitive side. I love you with a love I've never experienced. A relationship we've developed full of support, empty of jealousy, perfect for us. No relationship could be better. I thank our creator for you. He sent you to me. Continue Driving.

A Sonnet of Sorts

2011-04-15T09:26:00.005-05:00

I know I don't always say the right things,
And my mind wanders to faraway galaxies
Where Analysis reigns supreme.

I know I may ask difficult questions
The answers to which could frighten the Devil
Into godly submission.

I know I don't know you,
But what I do know exists
Don't forget the feeling.

I know I don't always say the right things,
And my stories are long-winded fables of morality
From faraway memories and days faded with time.

I know that I may ask difficult questions
Because I've answered some myself
It's the difficult questions no on wants the answers to.

I know I don't know you
But I do know that the decisions we've made
Created our path to the present.

I wish I could say the right things.
I wish my mind didn't wander away.
I wish I had all the answers.

I only know what I believe.
I truly believe that we were presented to each other
By Fate. By Nature. By God.
To help each other.
To find different perspectives.
To find acceptance through misguided speech.
To find answers to difficult questions.
To get to know one another.
Raw.
Uncut.
Don't forget the feeling.
I'd rather have your friendship than nothing at all. Please take your time, and be confident that I will be here for you whenever you're ready.
Above All Else -- Your Friend, ~

The Uncertainty of It all

2011-04-12T19:54:00.002-05:00

The uncertainty of it all
Lies in your hands
In your actions
In your words

The certainty of it all
Lies within my intuition
In my heart
In my soul

There is something about you.
Tangled in the webs
Fit into place
It's what we want.

It's what feels right.
The certainty of it all.

Why do you deny this?
The certainty of it all.
Why do you rise and fall
Ebb and flow
Like the ocean
Teasing the shores with its touch?

Why does guilt consume me
For thinking of you
For musing you?
The uncertainty of it all.
All I have is hope
That your heart is with me.

For now, doesn't have to be forever.
The uncertainty of it all
Is scary to face.
For now it's right.
For now it's certain.
The certainty of it all.

All we have is time
Time for you to see
The certainty of it all.

It Begins...

2011-03-07T23:05:00.004-05:00

Skin to skin, your touch is fresh
As the breezy Irish coast
Eye to eye, your stare is strong
With a brilliant, blue view

It begins...

Ear to ear, your smile revival
Reinvents happiness
Arm in arm, your tight hold
Solidifies solace

It begins...

Face to face, your serious conviction
Inspires curiosity
Mind to mind, your intelligence
Challenges intimidation

It begins...

Body to body, moving in time
To the beat of a Connection
Time to time, patiently waiting
Another stolen moment

Song to song, voices finding melody
Singing songs long forgotten
Side by side

Only Sleeping

2009-05-20T23:49:00.003-05:00

"Please don't spoil my day
I'm miles away
And after all,
I'm only sleeping..."
~John Lennon

My subconscious reminds me, in the middle of the night, that I long for personal contact. I miss romanticism and all it has to offer. I miss the friendly touch of an interested hand. I miss the delightful conversation of intrigue. I miss a lot. Somehow, lately, my subconscious has been providing me with all the things I'm missing. Three consecutive dreams involved men (of no importance; men I've never seen before) yearning for my attention. Nothing too dramatic; just the normalcy and fluttery of the honeymoon stage. In the days following, I've desired to return to my dreams, if only for a moment, to experience the sensation felt during the trip: Dreamland. An abstract world, where there are men longing for the same things I am; only to visit me in the privacy of my dreams, where I wish the whole world could see. I wonder if my dream man will find me, or if I must continue searching behind the lids of my eyes, beneath the slumber of the night, without clue nor control, just like in life.

Sweet dreams.

What Inspiration

2008-12-15T17:54:00.002-05:00

Ahem...In my miraculous effort to find some inspiration, I have a burst of creative juice for the first time in months, and below is the result...unfuckingbelievable.

I'm feeling vey gascious tonight
As though I will explode
I've been eating everything in site these days
...That may have been a toad
It's no wonder I feel this way too lately
I should daily walk down the road
Tonight I think I'll stay home
Speaking my own stinking code
To not expose the world
To the effects of the toad

Confirmation

2008-04-14T16:30:00.004-05:00

Immediately after I posted that poem, I went for a walk in the woods...inspired by my own words, I guess...anyway, I always take my camera, and I'm glad I did:

I call this 'confirmation.'

Naturalistic

2008-04-14T14:56:00.003-05:00

The earth
speaks
yells
cries

through
clouds
stars
rain
drought
famine
life
discovery
wonder

I heard them scream
the regal trees
were leveled
ceasing
to reach the sky
Survival
of the fittest
without a chance
I watched others flee
in fear
of leveling themselves
I felt the heartbreak
of the earth
because I felt it too

Supurfluous development
in my little nook
Earth has sent warnings
They keep
getting louder
more invasive
more tragic
A devastating irony
at the gates
to new suburbia

The Preserve
insensitive
audacious

How dare you?
How dare we??

Earth's natural forces
some call it fate
went to work
The effects tragic
the message heard

but only by me
The one that no one hears
The one invisible to the world

Silently, I worship
There are others like me
Fighting for Earth
In a war with ourselves
Against an infallible force
No one will learn.
All will perish.
Mother Earth will reign immortal.

I'm the Victim

2008-02-19T13:17:00.002-05:00

Sitting here, Janet Jackson bringing memories of that trip so long ago...that solo trip...that liberating, amazing trip that I took entirely for granted, for a love waiting at home. Now, he's not waiting. I sit here on a Tuesday afternoon, counting the minutes before I have to de-fog, raise from my couch, and enter the world. Ugh. I'd rather maintain my fog. Slowly. Falling deeper into a creative haven, where I control everything. I don't control anything out there. It's all up to something else. It doesn't matter "what" else, it just matters that it's not up to me. There are minor things I can take under my wing, control for the time being, but ultimately, I am a simple pion in this world of chance, this world of fate, this world consumed and smothered by faith and living a righteous life, this world that continues to go on, with or without me. We're all just along for the ride, I think. I don't know if there's something better beyond this, but I do think there is something else. But, like that trip I took so long ago, I don't want to take my life for granted for what I think might be waiting for me out there...

A Familiar Song...

2008-01-20T22:41:00.000-05:00

Heard for the first time...

Pig

Dave Matthews Band

Album: Before These Crowded Streets

Isn't it strange
How we move our lives for another day
Like skipping a beat
What if a great wave should wash us all away
Just thinking out loud
Don't mean to dwell on this dying thing
But looking at blood
It's alive right now
Deep and sweet within
Pouring through our veins
Intoxicate moving wine to tears
Drinking it deep
Then an evening spent dancing
It's you and me
This love will open our world
From the dark side we can see the glow of something bright
There's much more than we see here
Don't burn the day away
Don't burn the day
Don't burn the day away

Is this not enough?
This blessed sip of life, is it not enough?
Staring down at the ground
Oh, then complain and pray for more from above,
You greedy little pig,
Stop, just watch your world trickle away
Oh, it's your problem now
It'll all be dead and gone in a few short years

Oh, just love will open our eyes
Just love will put the hope back in our minds
Much more than we could ever know
Oh, so don't burn the day away
Don't burn the day away

Oh, come sisters, my brothers,
Shake up your bones, shake up your feet,
I'm saying, open up and let the rain come pouring in
Wash out this tired notion
Oh, that the best is yet to come
But oh, while you're dancing on the ground,
Don't think of, oh, when you're gone
Love, love, love, what more is there?
'Cause we need the light of love in here
Don't beat your head, dry your eyes, let the love in there,
There's bad times but that's okay, just look for love in there

hAnd don't burn the day away
Look, here are we,
On this starry night, staring into space
And I must say, I feel as small as dust lying down here

Oh, what point could there be traveling
Head down, wondering, "what will become of me?"
Why concern? We cannot see but no reason to abandon it
The time is short, time, that's all right
Maybe I'll go out in the middle of the night,
And take your hand, look in your eyes, my love
All good things must come to an end sometime

Oh, but don't burn the day away
Don't burn the day away

Oh, come sisters, my brothers,
Shake up your bones, shake up your feet,
I'm saying open up and let the rain come flooding in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But, oh, while you're dancing on the ground
Don't think of when you're gone
Love, love, love, what more is there?
'Cause we need the light of love in here
Don't beat your head, and dry your eyes, let the love in there
The bad times, well that's okay,
Let's just look for love in here, yeah

Just let the love in there,
Oh love, light up

I've heard this song a hundred thousand times before, but finally listened to it last week. Listen. Learn. Live. Love.

Enjoy.

A Loss for Words

2007-12-28T18:33:00.000-05:00

I don't even know what to say
To this person we all
Once knew
You're so different now
Unpredictable
and
Changed
Defensive
Unapproachable.

I wonder why you are silent
About your secret
To the ones who love you most
To the ones you'll disappoint the most
Perhaps we're unapproachable in your mind.

I'd rather be
Approached
than
Ignored

Yes I'm disappointed
But my feelings about your choices
Do not change the way
You choose
To live life.
My feelings do not overshadow the love I feel
For the sister I once knew so well

Somewhere you got lost, girl
Searching, through radical behavior
and misconstrued ideas,
for Unconditional love.

You have found the secret;
But another lies beneath
Your chosen path,
Off the ones beaten,
Which will challenge you with
Sacrifice
Loneliness
and
Fear
Long before your time

It pains me
That you could not
Take the pride
You preach
And tell your
Sister
of your quest
and your treasure.

It is not a trophy.
It is life.

The Process. Part I. Bummed.

2007-12-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

There's no other way to describe it...bummed...it's taking him. I was scared today. Scared that I wouldn't know what to do if he really needed me. He's so fragile. He's on the verge...and I'm so heartbroken. I know I need to take this opportunity to tell him all the things I feel, but I think that would take another lifetime. He and I are kindred spirits. I am proud to call him my grandfather and my friend. Losing him is losing a part of myself...a part of my heart...a piece of my soul. I will miss him dreadfully. He hasn't left me yet, but it is really difficult seeing him like this. He wears his bald head well...but it breaks my heart that I can't do anything. I'm helpless...sitting idle by his side, watching, waiting, fearing, screaming, holding on so fucking tight...to do nothing...but love him. And that's all I can do. Forever.

Medicine Heady

2007-12-05T20:41:00.000-05:00

Snow is sticking to my driveway--snot is sticking to my nostril.

Ice is forming on the eve--mucus is forming in my chest.

My head feels like a thick fog just wiped away my few remaining brain cells.

The rest of my body feels normal--ready to work--ready to play...in the snow.

I like being cozy. In my house on the farm. With my Heroes. With my Ellios.

I could do without the Tissues and Sneezures, Coughing fits and chapped lips. But...

It's quiet.

So quiet I can hear the snow tapping the window.

So quiet I can hear the deer traveling through the woods.

So quiet I think the sound of my own sickly wheezing is a mouse under my chair...maybe I should check my temperature...

Sensative Strangers

2007-11-27T18:15:00.000-05:00

I know there are many things in this world that offend people; whether it's a "curse word" in a movie that an elderly woman doesn't approve of, the use of the word "black" to describe an individual, or someone stating that they are pro-choice. Taking offense doesn't change the situation, it merely changes your perception of the situation. An innocent conversation to some may be a conversation full of evil to another. It really is a waste of time to utter such offenses, when nothing will change it. There will always be another way to offend.

Spirit2all

2007-11-12T23:05:00.000-05:00

While I was packing, preparing to move, I was listening to my iPod on 'shuffle', like always, and right in the middle of a song (Blues Traveler, i think, but I'm not sure) it cut off and David Bowie started to play.
Two things are weird about this occurrence: iPods don't skip, and my stepfather (dad) loved David Bowie. The only reason David Bowie is on my iPod is because I made a CD that played during his viewing, which included several David Bowie songs. I listened to many songs thoroughly, carefully, choosing.
*I have over 1,000 songs on my iPod currently, so it's a decent shuffle--right??
Anyway, one night (taking the long way home) I got to thinking about him and his spirit and where he chooses to fly. I tend to speak to spirits aloud because I think that they will respond or listen to our requests. I'm sure it sounds weird, but it is me, so it is weird.
I said, "I dig that you're hangin' out, but please don't scare me." I was just getting ready to move to a house on a 13 acre farm, I didn't need the extra spook. The house has been great--the last two nights I have heard different sounds, but I haven't determined if they are house sounds or creature sounds.
Anyway, I have to get back on track, my tangents are annoying me--I'm sure they're annoying anyone who happens to be reading this.
Now, when I sit in my new house and listen to shuffle, I feel like it has moods. I've said that about the "shuffle" option for years. You can almost sense the type of mood it's in. Sometimes it'll play a ton of jazz, blues, and r&b, some days weird Al comes on a lot, or Dave Matthews will come on a ton or not at all...i don't know. But I can't help but think that whenever a song from his album or a David bowie song comes on that he's in the room or even just passing through...

I guess it's all in my perception (ah, both a realist and a mystic--I break my own heart).

During this post:

Deep Banana Blackout (funky jam band)
Half Brass (instrumental jazz big band)
Spin Doctors
Dixie Chicks
Elton John
The Wreckers (Country--Michelle Branche and some other chick--they're pretty good. I don't really get into country other than Dixie Chicks.)

Illness

2007-11-10T00:08:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Being sick is the worst feeling ever--sick-to-your-stomach sick. Yuck. Finding comfort in the coolness of the bathroom floor. Record-breaking teeth-brushing. Ginger Ale actually tastes good--especially over ice. Wanting so badly to feel normal again--scared that I never will. I know that sounds silly to you, but in the midst of the fever, sweating, chills, and heavy napping, it doesn't to me. I know I'll get better, but we are all familiar with the worlds we create while we're sick--wondering what's going on in the real world, thankful that no one has called, yet wishing someone would. Wondering what they're doing. Wondering just how long it will be before you have to venture out into that world again--and, although you miss it, secretly you're enjoying daytime television...well, unless it has to come between trips to the bathroom...ugh. Let's face it, I'd give anything to get back to the real world...

Interupt-us

2007-11-06T21:08:00.001-05:00

Big family = a lot of talkers

Everyone wants to be heard
Some fade into the background
While the others carry on, loud, noisy as can be

It's frustrating
But it happens
And it is clearly impossible that it will never happen again

Be aware of timing
Work the situation
Instead of letting the situation work you
Griping about it only makes you annoying
And hard to be around

Deal with it.

We're not going anywhere
We're stuck with the interruptions
Side conversations
Oblivious responses
Pretend nods
Distracted smiles

You're guilty!
That's what makes this so absurd
You get so upset

Yet you do the same EXACT thing!

Sit back.
Relax.
Observe.
Enjoy
the Noise
Love
the Family
and know that when the time is right
You will be heard.
You always are...eventually.

The Rumor Mill

2007-11-04T14:14:00.001-05:00

People say I've changed, people say I'm different. Granted, these people--this mill-- is full of acquaintances that fate has brought to cross my path. They don't know me. They don't know who I used to be. They don't know how much I've been stifled, how much I've suppressed, how my depression ate at my core. It felt good to feel depressed, as it sometimes does--everyone goes through it. But now, it feels good to be "different" even though "different" is the same as before; only this time, I'm not attached to the idea of forever in a romantic sunlit setting. I'm happy being with me. I'm happy having my space and my things occupying it. I'm proud of what I have, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep it. The change I smelled in the air months ago is still breezing through--there is still an amount of change to take place, this move was only the beginning. Even though I cannot deny my inner desire to have a warm body in my bed, I am confident that that warm body does not need to be permanent. I'm happy with myself, in this little nook, my piece of Ireland tucked in the depths of an exploding America--I finally found my niche.

Finally!

2007-10-30T15:37:00.000-05:00

I'm finally out of mother's house
And into my own
That I love and cherish
Even though I'm alone

Warm and hidden
It's cute and secure
I'm happier than I've been
Who could want more?

Ode to Good Riddance

2007-09-26T22:27:00.000-05:00

Oh, how I will NEVER miss...

removing hair wads from the shower wall--yuck.

picking up boxers off the bathroom floor.

being asked who I'm talking to.

being asked where I'm going.

being stranded with no toilet paper.

the dog.

how she talks louder than everyone just so she can repeat herself.

his incessant, tone-deaf whistling.

pushing the soda cans out of my way just to use the computer.

sharing a room.

trying to maneavour through my tiny closet and knocking over all the things I've so strategically put in their place.

having certain people chastise me for having an irritable day.

trying to do my hair with an empty can of hair spray.

sneaking around.

turning up the television to drown out the rest of the house.

getting her various necessities (water or an extra blanket) in the middle of the night.

the everyday drama.

having someone knock on the bathroom door the second I sit down.

missing out on all the good ice cream.

sticky keyboards.

shoes in the bathroom.

hangers in the bathroom.

stale chips.

homework time (which usually lasts for hours).

trying to find something to do just to get out of the house.

Good Riddance to it all.

Balling, Blubbering, Birthday Blues

2007-09-11T21:21:00.001-05:00

I have finally come to the conclusion that birthdays are an emotional time. If one has lost a loved one, birthdays (of the living or that of the deceased) become a time of nostalgia, conjuring up memories of years gone by as if concocting some potent spell. Even if there hasn't been a loss, each year becomes a stepping stone, a starting point, for the rest of the year--a birthday is a personal New Year. The birthday sets a precedent for how the rest of the year will pan out, or at least it begins the cycle with which the year follows.
For me, my birthday was a time during which new thoughts and new emotions played a part. For many years, my birthday was dampened by my hope that my own father would remember, or care enough, to send a sentiment that day--That day that I'm sure he'll never forget--he wasn't there then, and that sure did set the tone for the rest of my life. Eventually that hope faded away, and I was able to concentrate on the person who has been here throughout the years--mom.
For the last few years, I've been determined to spend my day with her--we spent the first one together, right? Last year, I was financially sound enough to treat her to a weekend in NYC for our birthdays (which fall only nine days apart). This year was different. We spent a minimal amount of time alone for my birthday. And, I guess that's because I've been up her ass for the past two and a half years while she and I both got our shit together. This fact definitely added to my emotional state.
My moving home two and a half years ago, was for financial reasons, but it turned out to be for a more pressing matter--everything DOES happen for a reason. However, our relationship has been strained by close quarters and Virgo idiosyncrasies, and that worries me. I'm worried that we won't be able to bounce back from this. We have really fought like siblings, and we crave time away from each other. That's why not spending so much time with her on my birthday makes me sad. I'm scared that our relationship is fading. It will never completely dissipate--I hope--but we've managed to strain it to the point of severe stress. It's time the weight is lifted--and it is being lifted...soon, I hope.
Alright, so in keeping with the background of my father not being involved in birthdays, I began thinking about my brother (my father's son from his second marriage). Technically, I have two half-brothers and two-half sisters from my mom's second marriage, and one half-brother from my dad's second marriage. Considering I lived with my mom, her children became my siblings--I never once considered them "half" of anything. When my dad had his second child, I was eleven years old, and beginning to finally learn the truth about my dad. He was becoming more distant as I got older (and more intelligent, I think--I don't think he could keep up with me in that way). Unfortunately, my brother, who I will refer to as "J" was lost in the sauce of my coming over every other weekend, or one weekend a month. Because of my situation at my mom's house, I was responsible for all my younger siblings. So, when I went to my dad's I didn't want to watch after a two month old. I guess it was my way of relaxing--going to dad's was a mini-vacation from the responsibilities that would inevitably be there when I returned. Because of this, J and I never had the opportunity to form a long-lasting, unconditional relationship--like the ones I have been able to form with my mother's children. Even the fact that I have formed lasting relationships with the others is sad in a way, because, if you think about it (which I have been doing for the last three days), the only reason I'm close with my mother's children is because of convenience. If I had lived with my father, the tables would be hanging from the ceiling (as opposed to being turned...).
Anyway, J approached D (my other brother who is roughly the same age as J) at school and told him to "Tell Your sister I said happy birthday." I took that to heart. Now I know J doesn't even considers me his sister, and that really upsets me. For a long time, my stepmother (who has since divorced my father), placed the responsibility of my relationship with J, and J's relationship with his grandfather (my dad's dad) in my lap--as if it is up to me to make sure that J stays in touch with his family.
Back to the fact, J and I are not close, and it has become more and more difficult, which is odd because both of us are getting older, and are more capable of taking responsibility for our own actions. So, I sent him an email, and I hope that that email (as emotional as it was) will bring forth a new set of tools with which we will be able to form some kind of lasting relationship, whether it be as friends or siblings.
In addition to family, finances are again running my life, and I'm realizing that I'm waisting my time doing what I'm doing. I've decided to take affirmative action.
I'm moving out.
I'm sending emotional emails.
I'm trying to find a new job.
I'm trying to read more.
I'm finally going to the gym again.
I'm trying to set the stage for a good and healthy year ahead...I guess.

My Dumbest Moment

2007-09-08T02:03:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I decided to take wardrobe "options" with me to my girlfriend's house. I had two shirts, plus each shirt's accessory. I grabbed the Wrinkle Releaser as I was leaving the house, and threw it in my bag. After I decided what shirt to wear, I hung it up, took the Wrinkle Releaser from the bag and promptly sprayed my shirt. After a few minutes, I took the shirt down, and put it on, only to notice that there were red spots all over the shirt--well, more like a rust color. I thought it was just one spot, then I noticed there were other spots on the shirt. Instantly, I thought the chemicals in the Wrinkle Releaser reacted with the shirt blend. Then, I turned and saw the bottle on the counter, and realized I had grabbed BLEACH. I bleached my new fucking shirt! I felt like such an asshole! I am an asshole!

What was I saying earlier about idiots--we're taking over the world. Sheesh.

Ah, to Please all the People

2007-09-08T01:54:00.000-05:00

I was confronted tonight about the fact that I don't speak up when I want to do something, or if I don't want to do something. All I hear, Ask the Birthday Girl. It's Your Day, what do you want to do? I know it's my birthday. I'm not one to want to be the complete center of attention. And, I want all the people involved to be comfortable and having a good time. But, I think my acuser is guilty of the same thing. She doesn't realize it, but she is. Even after the confrontation, I don't feel like she understands me any better. I'm back to the whole, no one listens to me deal. Boo Hoo. I just think if someone listened to me once in a while, they would see the window through which all the insight about myself shines through. I am a very open, honest person, but I do want everyone to be happy. So, when someone says, Do you want to go out to celebrate, even though I don't typically "go out," I will to go with the flow. This really makes me feel conflicted because some tell me to relax and "go with the flow" and others tell me to be more decisive. When I'm decisive, I'm bossy, when I'm relaxed, I'm just letting people tell me what to do. I don't feel like I could have won, no matter what. I did have a decent time tonight. The "other friend" found two really young Dungeons and Dragons, straight out of high school, boys she thought I was interested in. Nope. No clue. Instead, we played photo hunt, and drank. Not everyone had a good time. That upsets me, especially because it was supposedly an outing in my honor, and I just wanted everyone to be happy. I feel like people should put out the ideas they have too, rather than leaving up to one person to decide for the group. Ugh. Ugh.
I just ate an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's--shit, I could've skipped the gym this week. Fuck.

Pissy McPissed

2007-09-07T15:54:00.000-05:00

I'm grumpy. Work sucked--it's a wonder this country succeeds the way it does with all the idiotic maniacs out there. The easiest task is like rocket science for teenage bimbos with cute smiles but nothing from ear to ear. Not wanting to approach said bimbo for her said stupidity, I went to a manager, expressing my feeling on the easiest job in the world--hosting. He wondered why I didn't try to explain her errors to her, to which I asked What was covered during her training? Blowing up balloons or restaurant rotation? In the end, he called me out on some stupid shit that I've been known to do, which did not solve my problem or the other two servers on--it only made me more bitter, and happy for my long weekend. Fuck.
I'm also a little bit grumpy because my so-called best friend proves to me on a nearly weekly basis that she knows NOTHING about me. She isn't going to be around the day of my birthday, so she wants to take me out tonight--I'm fine with that, but her other friend, who has become my friend-ish, would like to join us. Personally, I hate going out with that "other friend" because she's far too outgoing for me. So outgoing that despite her awkward blinking and her inability to talk about anything BUT herself, she's intrusive, loud, and sometimes a little rude. Every time I have gone out with her, she tries to find me a man--because no girl can live without one, I'm sure. But she does it in such an uncouth way. She basically sees anything with a penis, talks to him for a minute, holds up his arm, and screams, "How's this one?" To which I reply, "He's married!" She doesn't have any boundaries. Not only that, but the way I would like to find the man of my dreams is not by having a friend of a friend hold up his arm and have our eyes meet (both of us a deer in headlights for the spectacle that's taking place in front of us). I want to scope out a place, make eye contact, flirt casually from across the room, then go in for the approach. I'm slick like that, and that's how I'd like to stay--inconspicuous, coy, sophisticated. I almost don't want to go, but then I think that would disappoint my friend, who I love dearly and hold close to my heart. Although, I know she's going to come over here and try to tell me how to dress properly. Whatever. It's only one night, and the rest of the weekend should be a breezy, beautiful birthday.

Officially Liberated...soon

2007-09-03T16:45:00.000-05:00

Teehee! It's official! I put the security deposit down last week, and the place is mine!! The women who own the farm are still doing renovations, so they say it still may be a couple of weeks, but still, it's official--the end is in sight! I'm feeling so optimistic lately, it's scary. I've begun the shopping process--pots and pans...check! I still need a shitload of stuff, but I'm soooo excited. I'm so anxious to see what I've had in storage for the last three years! Yay!!! I'll post pictures as soon as move-in is complete!

Hope for Liberation

2007-08-22T01:02:00.000-05:00

So...ever since the possibility of me moving out in the near future came into view my current residence has become even more annoying. I am irritable and impatient. I'm in desperate need of my own space, my own agenda...
This place is on a 13 acre farm; it sits on the outer perimeter of the property, with its own driveway and mailbox! I know that sounds funny, but I'm excited to find such a deal that is a separate entity from the owner's home. The other places (the Victorian) was sharing the actual house. Anyway, I can't deny the fact that if I do get this new place, it will be a little scary at first. It's on a fucking farm--away from the sounds of the highway or neighbors. Not a well-traveled road. This is everything I think I want, but I do have trepidations. I just need to find patience within myself to get used to my surroundings, and make it a comfortable place to come home to. I've already thought of putting lights out in the front, and maybe a motion light out the back. I don't know if they'd like that or not...I guess I would have to ask. They seem old-fashioned (they aren't that old), but they also seem realistic. We'll see.
I'm very excited to get out, and have my own space. I miss my stuff. I wonder what I have packed away. I'm excited to decorate, and make a home for myself. This is pretty huge...even psychologically. Shit, maybe I'll even shave! ...

2007-07-29T23:44:00.000-05:00

Friends make their friends post comments on their blog. :)

Vision Rewire

2007-07-22T13:31:00.000-05:00

I've had this feeling of optimism swooshing around my head lately. I guess I know that things are going to look up--eventually, but "eventually" is nearing. I think I can sense the light--even though it has yet to be seen. Change is in the air, and I've been breathing it in--smooth, deep, and refreshing. I'm ready. For the first time in my life, this change feel positive, this change feels necessary.

Pity Party for Yours Truly

2007-07-04T21:47:00.000-05:00

I'm sick.
An ugly, nasty sinus has infected my head.
Yuck.
Not that I'm searching for sympathy, but you'd think I could get a hold of some for a few days--nope, nothing.
I'm grumpy.
I'm irritable.
I just don't feel well.
And I was told today that I "could ruin a one-man funeral." I'm not sure what that means exactly, but I get the point. I am miserable. But who isn't miserable while sick?
I guess I feel that people deserve a bit of sympathy and patience when they don't feel good.
Not me, I guess. Oh, boo for me.

Boo frickin hoo.

Free Thoughts...Priceless

2007-06-24T00:22:00.000-05:00

I'm strong. Totally "affected." Warm and nuturing. Soft. Sympathetic. Emotional. Severely juxtaposed by the fact that I can be cold, judgemental, and hard to approach. I generally don't hold grudges; however, there is always a healing period between betrayal and acceptance. I love helping people. I need to be needed. I'm the direct opposite of myself...or so it seems.
This pyschological analysis was prompted by a realization. Preface: Growing up with two younger sisters constantly coined the phrase: "Do you remember when you were their age?" At which point, I shunned my smikring mother and tried to disregard the remark. The last few years, I've been conscious of the fact that I, too, was one 16--suddenly, I can relate. I can honestly see myself in their same situations, and remembering the emotions I was consumed with during those times. I can finally relate--but I find it difficult to express myself clearly...
I have dug a trench around the bush with all this nonesense. My younger sister is learning a very hard lesson right now, and even though I know it is the right-of-passage into adulthood (the parental side of me will always shine through), I can remember exactly how I felt when I was going through the same thing.
Trusting people. Here's another way by which I juxtapose my very existence: I am an extremely trustworthy person. Tell me a secret, in the vault it goes--except when it comes to immediate family, in which case, we all know that we tell each other 95% of everything. I am honest. I find trust in strangers--ah, the rose-colored glasses--every one is a good person, until they prove otherwise.
If trust is broken--it's damaging.
Learning the value of friendship. Friendship is a bond, broken down onto several levels. Learning those levels ultimately ends in tears. Gut-renching. Tragic.
I don't know if I can soften myself to open up to her, tell her the things that I went through. Shit, I don't even know if she wants ME to. Would she be able to confide in me--I'm not confident.
Here's the twist. My younger sister broke my trust. She's younger than me, should I be more sympathetic? Her actions affected our relationship more than she will ever know. Through her eyes, she did nothing wrong. Through my eyes, I could feel my heart bleeding. She abandoned us. During a time when we needed nothing more than her support. She left us. She was fully aware of how much family was needed during that crisis. It was a fucking crisis. And she wasn't there. She pulled apart the family dynamic and turned it into a genuine clusterfuck. I kid you not.
Retrospect: When I was 16/17, and my friends ruled my world, my mom wasn't suffering from a deadly illness. And, I still had to be home for dinner. I'm sure that I fought with mom a few times, wanting so badly to stay out with my buddies on a school night. The answer was "Nope." Sure, maybe there were a some exceptions, but that was a result of my good grades and overall ability to be responsible. And even the exceptions were rare. No big deal. I don't think I fought with mom too much because it just got tired.

----free thought truncated due to system overload----

Wanted

2007-06-18T14:38:00.000-05:00

Rich individual to pay off all debt with no strings attach. Answering this add will no doubt deplete all stress from my life.

Ugh.

Out of Paper--No Ink for the Pen

2007-06-17T23:09:00.000-05:00

A list of things I will need in the event that I end up moving into the haunted Victorian mansion...

1. new armoire (old one's a beast and not very practical--and the closets in this tiny haunted apartment are outrageously small. I have a lot of shit).
2. A table for the t.v. to set on.
3. A small, yet practical couch (futon perhaps).
4. Plates. I realized the other day that I have no fucking plates. Am I fit for the real world?? "j.k."
5. Glasses. Uh, yeah...I think I have two, which is a fine start, but c'mon. (Funny thing, I do have tupperware and silverware...).
6. A couple pans. (I think with pans, I'll buy as I go...right?)

That's all for now...I'm sure I'll think of something else...it never stops...it never stops.

Grammatically Incorrect

2007-06-17T23:04:00.001-05:00

The self-inflicted torture that romantic comedies bring to my emotions, I will never cease to understand my addiction...

Update

2007-06-17T22:29:00.000-05:00

The man of my dreams has yet to revisit; however, I did have a strange dream the other night...it's hard to see through the fog...but I was dressing for some major event...in a PINK dress...Pink?!...oh, shit, he wasn't in that dream. I didn't get far enough in the dream to see him. The evening gown only came passed my knees, and I hadn't shaved in so long I was mortified to leave the house...I guess that's a clue...yet again from my subconscious. Great...

In other news, an apartment has been located, and it really suits me. A small portion of a 104-year-old Victorian home (haunted, no doubt). The owner has done a fantastic job of renovating (or masking) any imperfections. It's not a definite yet, but I certainly have my heart set...I know...not the best idea, but my heart seems to run the show these days. What's a girl to do??

Resumes have hit the snail mail turnpike...some have traveled via email. We'll see if anything pans out. Good lord, I hope so. Waiting tables is making me more of an angry bitch than I was before...

Love Interest

2007-05-26T00:29:00.000-05:00

Clouded by slumber and the overwhelming feeling of infatuation, I feel your desire as I walk up behind you--you anticipate me. With my hands on your biceps, I lean closer and whisper in your ear (the contents of which are locked in my vaulted subconscious). You smile and lean toward me, without turning to face me. You tell me that you love my quirky ways. I lunge forward playfully and nibble your neck. The natural smell of your skin is an aphrodisiac. I wish I knew who you were. I wish I knew your name. Will you visit me again and reveal yourself? Until we meet again...

****

I didn't think I cared.
I didn't think it bothered me to be alone.
I guess it's not the "being alone" part that actually bothers me, but I do long to have someone interested in me.
I want someone to get to know me.
I want someone to want to discover me.
I want flirtatious affection.
I want sensuality.
I want to be someone's distraction.
Ah, to be the muse...

Patiently, I sit, awaiting Fate's hands. For now, I guess my dreams will have so suffice as a way for me to satisfy these feelings. I look forward to our next meeting.

Plans

2007-05-17T23:46:00.000-05:00

I'm no longer thinking in terms of these fickle dreams that float around in my mind. My plans are headstrong, pragmatic, feasible. The list of plans in no particular order:
1. Quit smoking and start exercizing, to lose this excessive weight off my shoulders, which will undoubtedly be the antidote for this invisibility cloak and make someone notice me without internet persuasion.
2. Find a local apartment. Don't get me wrong, the "fickle" dreams I spoke of earlier still exist and are manifesting in my left ventrical. I still want to experience life outside of this town, one way or another, I just need to be smart about it. Continuing my career path is one way to help me better prepare myself.
3. Stop waiting on the impatient, uninterested, indecisive clientel that insist on sitting in my section on a daily basis. I have begun the search for a "real" job, which will give me insight into the world and possibly...hopefully...bring new pathways filled with opportunity.

Although these plans may sound ambitious, I am confident that I will successfully complete all of them. Ideally, numbers two and three will be complete by, no later than, September...let the dreams commence.

Late-Night Binging

2007-03-19T01:08:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking too big--I am too big. This last year, but specifically the last four months or so, I have really let myself go. From bouts of social smoking, to a pack every day and a half; from occasional snacking, to spontaneous Pop Tart inhaling at midnight--something has got to change.
For the last few months, I've been thinking on a grand scheme. I haven't been giving myself the proper amount of care.
I'm obsessed with the future and doing something truly fulfilling. I am overwhelmed by the emptiness I feel. I need a purpose, and I'm reaching way too far. I've realized that not having goals is stifling me more so than I ever imagined. I have been unemployed for over two months (I guess just about three), and I haven't even bothered to follow up with some of my book concepts. I've lost touch with myself, with what makes me truly happy.
I feel invigorated when I write; the creative juices fill me with adrenaline. I get satisfaction from blogging, but I think it takes more time to feel the effect. Working on the random concepts that fill my brain on a daily basis makes me feel accomplished somehow (even though they are far from completed).
Writing is just one aspect of my life that needs more attention. Physically, I feel like shit. There are times when being invisible has its advantages, but I'm ready to be noticed. I need to set a goal for myself that may seem menial in comparison to everything else I should be concentrating on, but it's something that will help me move to the next level. It's' easy to sit here, but I know how good I felt when I was going to the gym. I felt proud that I was taking the time to care for my body. I felt healthy, and I had more energy. Now, I would rather just skip moving in general. I hate being tired all the time.
In fact, I'm pretty tired right now.

Blame Me

2007-03-05T00:43:00.000-05:00

It's all my fault. I got myself into this mess...crawfish ettouffe...I'm stressed...perfectionist...headache...tejas chicken...eating...breathing... shitting...Louisiana style gumbo...I wish I were cramming for something that would actually help me amount to something...Portuguese Fish Stew...instead, I'm cramming for something that will give me more experience in the wonderful world of serving...Chorizo Mexicana...the fast-paced environment where the hours are shitty and so is the treatment...smile...Chili Con Queso...I'm good at that...Mesquite Grilled Fajita Salad...be pleasant...Catfish Bites...I'm good at that...memorize the menu...oh good god...my short term memory is shot...therefore I'm forced to shove all of this information into my long term memory...But, I brought this on myself...oh, it's easy...no problem...and yes, once I'm finished with these god awful tests and horrible trainers...Tostada Grande...it will be easy...but right now...I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than look at these menu items anymore...Camptown Shrimp...where did I put that gun?

Home

2007-03-04T02:16:00.001-05:00

Here we go...these dreams...these aspirations...that can't be put into action because of what?...money...means...fear...the need for me to have everything perfect...my inability to be spontaneous...that's too spontaneous...must plan...must have a plan...a place to live...a connection....a fucking job. It's calling to me...life...stimulation...homesickness...it's calling my name so loud...I plug my ears, but the sound comes from my heart...my soul...it's calling to me...the green pastures...the rich history...the feeling I had...there...alone...with the breathtaking land around me...it was there that I could breath deep...the air smelled of opportunity, knowledge, and love...here we go...dreams again...or are they? She's says I'll be too homesick...I think I'll be at home.

It's Something...

2007-02-27T23:34:00.000-05:00

Although I have enjoyed my bout in the world of the unemployed, I knew it was time to pound the pavement. I am still on the prowl for a permanent position in my field, but I decided to revert back to previous experiences and get a job where I knew I could make money--fast!
Waiting tables is something I never thought I'd do again, but I think the four year break has given me a new perspective. I know that I will not become a Lifer, and I also know that waiting tables is the easiest and fastest way to make money.
Honestly, I'm not looking forward to the training process--I'm ready to make money--it's pretty stressful trying to learn the menu.
I'm confident that I will be able to hop back on the restaurant bicycle and feel comfortable in no time...in spite of the dread I feel...ugh.

$$$$

Blockage

2007-02-17T03:24:00.001-05:00

Writer's Block is rough on everyone.

True Beauty

2007-02-07T03:31:00.000-05:00

Tonight, the snow was falling so lightly that each flake glistened in the small amount of light.

Incredible.

Breathtaking.

A fantastic display of Mother Nature sprinkling us with her majesty.

The Cold

2007-01-09T23:35:00.000-05:00

The cold brings new thought
Starry skies holding fate
Between each lumination...

A family tightly wound
Yet complex
In the fate of their lives.

Inhaleling the air
From the brisk winter night...

A world of opportunity
Total uncertainty
Frightened by the thought of failure.

The rush of the winter breeze
Invigorates the soul
Revitalizing every thought...

On A High Note

2007-01-02T23:18:00.000-05:00

I'm not really stressed about my lifestyle at this point...not as much as I lead on to be, I guess. I'd like to believe that my subconcious is allowing Fate to take a turn for once in a while without having to obsess over something. I obsess. I let things get to me. That makes me tired. I'm feeling so lazy about finding a job, a plan, a lead, a something...
I guess I know that I can only procrastinate for so long. I won't let myself get in too deep. Maybe that's why my subconcious is okay without thinking about it for a while. (A "while" in my world is a couple of weeks...tops!)
I definitely need to be more pro-active, and I think day by day that is becoming more apparent. I'm also a bit conflicted about what direction I should choose. I could get a job continuing with my editorial career, or I could apply to another organization to teach abroad. There is also this faint interest I have in obtaining my teaching certificate to have the option of teaching English at a high school level. That's not something I ever wanted to do, but I decided that long ago--Now, I feel myself leaning in that direction sometimes. Two practical choices, and one not-so-practical.
Then, I think, Oh, what about a practical choice in a not-so-practical location...this is what I do to myself when I do start to think about my situation. Hence why I have found a little bit of comfort in not doing anything. But the day will come...it's inevitable.

On an emotional note: I felt like Debby Downer this weekend, filling neighbors and family in about the goings on. I described my feeling as defeated. I know that from here, I can only go up--that's the positive note; but, emotionally, I do feel defeated. I'm also disappointed, pretty fucking angry, and just plain sad about everything too. This year has been the epitome of that cliche emotional roller coaster, and I'm looking forward to new beginnings.
I just need to embrace the emotions I'm feeling and work through them...oh blog, how I love thee.

Onward and Upward

2006-12-17T00:42:00.000-05:00

I knew I wasn't supposed to get my hopes up, but I guess, secretly, I did. This interview didn't sweep me off my feet like I had hoped. Disappointed isn't even the word to describe what I'm feeling. I was definitely becoming more emotionally attached to the thought of leaving Delaware and moving across the world. It became more of an emotional challenge the more I thought about it. Now I'm wondering if I should do something more practical. Maybe I should stay in the states. Maybe I shouldn't think so big...why shouldn't I think so big. I cannot become discouraged.
I have to say though, I think I'm more angry with myself for all the talking I did. I feel like I talked it up to so many people that I got their hopes up too...I'm really over thinking now...but that has crossed my mind.
Onward and upward, as they say.

Rest Easy

2006-12-06T13:07:00.001-05:00

Rest easy, now that I’m gone and the threat of my words disintegrates with your low self-esteem. Rest easy, now that you have publicized the words that haunt your ego. Rest easy knowing that I have kept my end of the bargain, and you have exploited your own sensitive femininity that lies beneath your Chair Force exterior. Rest easy watching your children grow into confident young people despite your efforts to shelter them and make them as paranoid as you are. Rest easy as you take your seat on the throne of this company, with your minions kissing your feet to finish a project that some intern will have to fix and improve later. Rest easy in your world of false realities and manipulations. Rest easy while your weaknesses add strength to the words I write.

Resignation

2006-12-06T12:55:00.000-05:00

I’d like to start out by saying that I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here. I’m especially fond of the insane mood swings, walking on eggshells, and fights heard round the office. I’m thankful for the arbitrary and utterly ridiculous attacks on my work ethics despite my record-breaking productivity and my consistent effort. Thank you for having faith in me and allowing me to continue my employment despite my cheerfully loud ways. I know you haven’t always been fond of the friends I have chosen in your company, but I’m so grateful that you have brought your feelings to my attention by singling me out and warning me of my friends’ loyalty and ability to harm my position here. I’ve learned so much from the ethics you have shown, that I feel confident to move on, knowing how NOT to run a business based on these inappropriate techniques. The pounds of negative karma you have acquired, through your treatment of me alone, are bound to award you with bankruptcy and foreclosure, I can’t imagine what the rest will bring you. Well, now that I’m gone, maybe you can once again enjoy the business you’ve created on paranoia, distrust, and outright disrespect for all those you chose to join you in your financial endeavor. Enjoy your winnings. Sit high on your pedestal of self-righteousness and all-mighty power. Your tears will flood the Earth when it’s lost.

Pining

2006-11-30T12:09:00.000-05:00

Why am I still hung up on something I know I’ve lost? Why does he still haunt my dreams? Why can’t I get through a day without thinking of him? I don’t call. I don’t write. I sit. I wonder. I really have changed. Thanks to him.
I think about how I cared for him. I think about how much I loved him. It hurts me to think that I will never feel that way again. I may find love. I may find happiness. But I’ll never find that. It will always be set apart from all the rest.
I say I don’t care about meeting men—and I don’t, really. I had the man of my dreams right in front of me for three years. But I wasn’t good enough for him. I’ve got to be good enough for someone, right?

Fighting the Active Imagination

2006-11-30T09:54:00.000-05:00

Because you were hurt so deeply by the words of someone who means nothing in the world you have created for yourself your insanity haunts me You act cool but you’re different You’ve been censored by the uncensored one and now your difference your inconsistent behavior is wearing on me Making me wonder if your insanity spreads to that of harming someone who has harmed you so deeply with words meant for the bloggers Your air your aura your vibe has me sick with the paranoia of a crazy man Does that make me crazy too or just crazy from the insanity you have spilled into my brain What if you flip out What if you hurt me physically for the emotional turmoil I put you through so unsuspectingly Will you sabotage me for something I did so innocently Will you get wasted at the Christmas party and cause an uproar because that’s what your insides want you to do Inhibition-less you might When you see me arrive with the two other people who have silently ruined the life you lead in your head will you cry or die inside and freak out by pulling the gun from your pants and killing us all for harming your so sensitive ego Will you confront me again You’ve got me freaked out over something I never intended for you to see You’ve got me just as paranoid as you insanity makes you I hate that I have to work with you every day I hate that I have to feel your stare and hear you stomp by my desk wondering if I’m blogging about you…Well, I am.

Stewing

2006-11-27T15:22:00.000-05:00

Yes, you got under my skin. Yes, the things you said escaped my brain while I dealt with extenuating bullshit. But now, as I sit, watching you scowl at me from across the room, listening to your bitterness as it permeates from your bruised ego, I think to myself, “How the fuck dare you!” How dare you tell me that my need to brush up on rules and regulations demeans your college degree! Shit, if that’s the case, you demean my fucking degree by the way you take more than a year to finish one project that is littered with fucking mistakes. Mistakes!! And I demean your degree?!?! What the fuck do you do all day? Stew about the fact that I blog about you? Cry and moan on the inside because you fucking suck?! Blog You!

Epiphany

2006-11-27T15:20:00.000-05:00

With the death of my stepfather, it has come to my attention that the destruction of the dreaded “Three” has come to a close. They say bad things happen in 3s. Bad things did happen, very bad things, deadly things, and if what they say has any bearing on reality, then I’m good to go.
Bad Thing #1: My life came to a screeching halt when You Know Who stomped on my heart. (Yes, I am still bitter.)
Bad Thing #2: My world came crashing down when my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lymphoma.
Bad Thing #3: The reality of alcoholism smacked my entire family in the face with the death of my stepfather.

With these bad things in the past, I know my future (and the future of my family) is headed for something great. I’ll move to Japan, my mom will move out of the house that haunts her, and my siblings will grow and learn in a healthy (albeit, not fully sane) environment.

Confusion through Tears

2006-11-17T16:55:00.000-05:00

My feelings had
Reached
A plateau of grief
Long before your death.

My anger refused
To show the love
That once existed in my heart

Your death was not
Full of sorrow
For I had already lost
Someone so special
Long ago.

Your death,
Did bring memories
Locked away
Behind the
Drunken Escapades

Memories of
Homemade Halloween costumes
Handmade with love
Created with me in mind.

Memories of laughter
When times were good.
I am so lucky to have experienced that love
Before it was lost.

I miss the man you used to be
And I have for years
But pain runs thick, and
Reeks of Gin.

Although years have passed
Your death has shown
That to forget the memories
Is to forget the love.

I’ll never forget the love.

Knowing

2006-11-17T16:54:00.000-05:00

Knowing that we are
Respecting every wish
With loving memory
And long-forgotten
Fondness
Makes my heart
Remember
How much
You Were Loved.

Compiling songs
From years gone by
Remembering how
You closed your eyes
To hear the beat
Feel the Lyrics
Love the music
For the feeling it gave
Reminds me how much
I truly did love you.

Anger masks that love
Until the person’s gone.
Regret does nothing
To remedy
But I know
I loved you
As much as you would allow

And I am proud
To have known you
Before the flood
To remember
The music
The classic moments
And
The Love.

Thank you.

An Angry Loss

2006-11-17T16:38:00.000-05:00

“What did you do?”
“What the fuck did you do?”

These were my thoughts
Speeding,
Screaming,
Livid,
Sad
For my family
To support them
And love them
While they dealt with
Yet another disappointment.

“Wherever you are…
I hope you’re at peace.”

This is what you wanted.
This is what you asked for.
This is why you drowned yourself
In the sorrows of your psychosis.
This is why you abandoned us.

You couldn’t see passed
Your pain
Causing
Anguish
Anger
Fear
You didn’t want to deal
Saturated with intoxication
From a love you’ve had for years.

Once so young
So strong
Gradually
Became so distant,
Estranged
Desperate

You’ve missed lifetimes.
You’ve missed love.
You’ve missed helping hands.
You’ve missed the unity of a family.

Who will miss you?
You’ve been away for so long.
Nothing will change.
Everything will stay the same.

You wanted this to happen.
You wanted nothing
You wanted isolation
The world had let you down.

Now it’s left for us to hold.
Look what let us down.

The weight of your addiction
Finally lifted
Remains
Sodden
With once-told lies
Excuses
Nothing
Behind closed doors.

We opened our arms to you
We opened our hearts
We tolerated everything
For nothing
But guilt in return

We waded in your self-pity
We groveled at your feet

So tired
So worn
So angry
With contempt
We grieved your choice

While supporting your health
Forcing you to comply
Destroying denial
Bringing you face to face

With the addiction
That tore us apart.

This is what you wanted.

Paranoia Con't (*a corporate tangent)

2006-11-14T17:34:00.000-05:00

The past two days
Have been filled with
Secret Meetings
Silent Entrances
Accusing Stares
While trying to
Maintain
An air of
Normalcy

You can’t fool me.

I hate being paranoid
Especially in a place
That puts on this
Façade:
Familial Atmosphere
My Ass

You can’t fool me.

You haven’t fooled me
Or any of your normal
Hard-working employees
Instead you have pushed them—
You have pushed US—
To the edge
Forced us to find a way
Out of this
Hell Hole

This dark, dank place
Full of
Judgments
Gossip
Underpaid Employees
and
Overpaid Employees—
They think they rule the world.

Just like you.
Power Hungry
Eating up every ounce of
Integrity you once had

Abusing the system
For the dollar
So benevolently made

You can’t fool me.

You’ve found people
Who care,
Who love the cause
Who strive for the perfection
Necessary
For your Success

But you take advantage of them
You Target them
You Disrespect them
And expect them to comply.

One day, the judgments
Will turn
The money
Will burn
And you will
Be alone
In the Hell you created

Through your conspiracy theories
Paranoid antics
Useless accusations
And an unwillingness
To Compromise.

You haven’t fooled anyone.

Paranoid Effects

2006-11-14T17:09:00.000-05:00

I’ve never been truly paranoid until now.
I don’t want to stop writing.
I don’t want to stop blogging.

But what if my secret gets out?

I am drawn to writing,
Advertising my thoughts
Thrilled by the idea of the world
Knowing what I’m thinking.
Agreeing
Disagreeing

Thankful for my honesty.

The paranoia stems from you
Your inability to deal with the truth
Your desire to make everyone feel worse than you do
Your pompous arrogance
Your shameless comments

And I’m the one you’re trying to censor?

You think you’ve won,
And for now,
I’m forced to succumb
To my sensitivity
My paranoia
Created by you
And your wandering eyes

You haven’t won
—Blog away!—

I must.

You’re the loser
One harmless, utterly painless
Series of thoughts
Hurting you to the core of your manhood

For a writer
Scared into submission
At the thought of losing her job
Because you can’t handle the truth
About yourself
Has provided her with
An obsession to write

Uncensored

Without your approval
Because of your disapproval

Your idle threats
Your scared, rabbit eyes
Stone-cold through the day
Tears streaming on your pillow in the darkness
Why?

Mutual contempt.

All this wasted energy
To appease your bruised ego
And censor an innocent writer

Sleep soundly now
The blogs have been destroyed
No one would have known it was you
Anonymous to the world you were

My honesty cut you.
Our confrontation surprised you.
You had no idea I would stand by my words
You thought your brute strength would scare me into

Apologetic vomiting

Wrong again
And now
You have a writer
Angry with you
Disgusted by you

Be careful, foe

You have turned yourself into
A writer’s nemesis.

2006-11-14T11:43:00.000-05:00

I’m not a bad person.
I like that I’m "open to a fault"
Can’t part of liking ourselves mean liking our faults?
I don’t like being fake
I don’t like it when people have to guess
I like them to know
I like to offer up the information
Through a look
a word
or a blog
I like that I’m uncensored.