Oh, how I will NEVER miss...
removing hair wads from the shower wall--yuck.
picking up boxers off the bathroom floor.
being asked who I'm talking to.
being asked where I'm going.
being stranded with no toilet paper.
the dog.
how she talks louder than everyone just so she can repeat herself.
his incessant, tone-deaf whistling.
pushing the soda cans out of my way just to use the computer.
sharing a room.
trying to maneavour through my tiny closet and knocking over all the things I've so strategically put in their place.
having certain people chastise me for having an irritable day.
trying to do my hair with an empty can of hair spray.
sneaking around.
turning up the television to drown out the rest of the house.
getting her various necessities (water or an extra blanket) in the middle of the night.
the everyday drama.
having someone knock on the bathroom door the second I sit down.
missing out on all the good ice cream.
sticky keyboards.
shoes in the bathroom.
hangers in the bathroom.
stale chips.
homework time (which usually lasts for hours).
trying to find something to do just to get out of the house.
Good Riddance to it all.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Balling, Blubbering, Birthday Blues
I have finally come to the conclusion that birthdays are an emotional time. If one has lost a loved one, birthdays (of the living or that of the deceased) become a time of nostalgia, conjuring up memories of years gone by as if concocting some potent spell. Even if there hasn't been a loss, each year becomes a stepping stone, a starting point, for the rest of the year--a birthday is a personal New Year. The birthday sets a precedent for how the rest of the year will pan out, or at least it begins the cycle with which the year follows.
For me, my birthday was a time during which new thoughts and new emotions played a part. For many years, my birthday was dampened by my hope that my own father would remember, or care enough, to send a sentiment that day--That day that I'm sure he'll never forget--he wasn't there then, and that sure did set the tone for the rest of my life. Eventually that hope faded away, and I was able to concentrate on the person who has been here throughout the years--mom.
For the last few years, I've been determined to spend my day with her--we spent the first one together, right? Last year, I was financially sound enough to treat her to a weekend in NYC for our birthdays (which fall only nine days apart). This year was different. We spent a minimal amount of time alone for my birthday. And, I guess that's because I've been up her ass for the past two and a half years while she and I both got our shit together. This fact definitely added to my emotional state.
My moving home two and a half years ago, was for financial reasons, but it turned out to be for a more pressing matter--everything DOES happen for a reason. However, our relationship has been strained by close quarters and Virgo idiosyncrasies, and that worries me. I'm worried that we won't be able to bounce back from this. We have really fought like siblings, and we crave time away from each other. That's why not spending so much time with her on my birthday makes me sad. I'm scared that our relationship is fading. It will never completely dissipate--I hope--but we've managed to strain it to the point of severe stress. It's time the weight is lifted--and it is being lifted...soon, I hope.
Alright, so in keeping with the background of my father not being involved in birthdays, I began thinking about my brother (my father's son from his second marriage). Technically, I have two half-brothers and two-half sisters from my mom's second marriage, and one half-brother from my dad's second marriage. Considering I lived with my mom, her children became my siblings--I never once considered them "half" of anything. When my dad had his second child, I was eleven years old, and beginning to finally learn the truth about my dad. He was becoming more distant as I got older (and more intelligent, I think--I don't think he could keep up with me in that way). Unfortunately, my brother, who I will refer to as "J" was lost in the sauce of my coming over every other weekend, or one weekend a month. Because of my situation at my mom's house, I was responsible for all my younger siblings. So, when I went to my dad's I didn't want to watch after a two month old. I guess it was my way of relaxing--going to dad's was a mini-vacation from the responsibilities that would inevitably be there when I returned. Because of this, J and I never had the opportunity to form a long-lasting, unconditional relationship--like the ones I have been able to form with my mother's children. Even the fact that I have formed lasting relationships with the others is sad in a way, because, if you think about it (which I have been doing for the last three days), the only reason I'm close with my mother's children is because of convenience. If I had lived with my father, the tables would be hanging from the ceiling (as opposed to being turned...).
Anyway, J approached D (my other brother who is roughly the same age as J) at school and told him to "Tell Your sister I said happy birthday." I took that to heart. Now I know J doesn't even considers me his sister, and that really upsets me. For a long time, my stepmother (who has since divorced my father), placed the responsibility of my relationship with J, and J's relationship with his grandfather (my dad's dad) in my lap--as if it is up to me to make sure that J stays in touch with his family.
Back to the fact, J and I are not close, and it has become more and more difficult, which is odd because both of us are getting older, and are more capable of taking responsibility for our own actions. So, I sent him an email, and I hope that that email (as emotional as it was) will bring forth a new set of tools with which we will be able to form some kind of lasting relationship, whether it be as friends or siblings.
In addition to family, finances are again running my life, and I'm realizing that I'm waisting my time doing what I'm doing. I've decided to take affirmative action.
I'm moving out.
I'm sending emotional emails.
I'm trying to find a new job.
I'm trying to read more.
I'm finally going to the gym again.
I'm trying to set the stage for a good and healthy year ahead...I guess.
For me, my birthday was a time during which new thoughts and new emotions played a part. For many years, my birthday was dampened by my hope that my own father would remember, or care enough, to send a sentiment that day--That day that I'm sure he'll never forget--he wasn't there then, and that sure did set the tone for the rest of my life. Eventually that hope faded away, and I was able to concentrate on the person who has been here throughout the years--mom.
For the last few years, I've been determined to spend my day with her--we spent the first one together, right? Last year, I was financially sound enough to treat her to a weekend in NYC for our birthdays (which fall only nine days apart). This year was different. We spent a minimal amount of time alone for my birthday. And, I guess that's because I've been up her ass for the past two and a half years while she and I both got our shit together. This fact definitely added to my emotional state.
My moving home two and a half years ago, was for financial reasons, but it turned out to be for a more pressing matter--everything DOES happen for a reason. However, our relationship has been strained by close quarters and Virgo idiosyncrasies, and that worries me. I'm worried that we won't be able to bounce back from this. We have really fought like siblings, and we crave time away from each other. That's why not spending so much time with her on my birthday makes me sad. I'm scared that our relationship is fading. It will never completely dissipate--I hope--but we've managed to strain it to the point of severe stress. It's time the weight is lifted--and it is being lifted...soon, I hope.
Alright, so in keeping with the background of my father not being involved in birthdays, I began thinking about my brother (my father's son from his second marriage). Technically, I have two half-brothers and two-half sisters from my mom's second marriage, and one half-brother from my dad's second marriage. Considering I lived with my mom, her children became my siblings--I never once considered them "half" of anything. When my dad had his second child, I was eleven years old, and beginning to finally learn the truth about my dad. He was becoming more distant as I got older (and more intelligent, I think--I don't think he could keep up with me in that way). Unfortunately, my brother, who I will refer to as "J" was lost in the sauce of my coming over every other weekend, or one weekend a month. Because of my situation at my mom's house, I was responsible for all my younger siblings. So, when I went to my dad's I didn't want to watch after a two month old. I guess it was my way of relaxing--going to dad's was a mini-vacation from the responsibilities that would inevitably be there when I returned. Because of this, J and I never had the opportunity to form a long-lasting, unconditional relationship--like the ones I have been able to form with my mother's children. Even the fact that I have formed lasting relationships with the others is sad in a way, because, if you think about it (which I have been doing for the last three days), the only reason I'm close with my mother's children is because of convenience. If I had lived with my father, the tables would be hanging from the ceiling (as opposed to being turned...).
Anyway, J approached D (my other brother who is roughly the same age as J) at school and told him to "Tell Your sister I said happy birthday." I took that to heart. Now I know J doesn't even considers me his sister, and that really upsets me. For a long time, my stepmother (who has since divorced my father), placed the responsibility of my relationship with J, and J's relationship with his grandfather (my dad's dad) in my lap--as if it is up to me to make sure that J stays in touch with his family.
Back to the fact, J and I are not close, and it has become more and more difficult, which is odd because both of us are getting older, and are more capable of taking responsibility for our own actions. So, I sent him an email, and I hope that that email (as emotional as it was) will bring forth a new set of tools with which we will be able to form some kind of lasting relationship, whether it be as friends or siblings.
In addition to family, finances are again running my life, and I'm realizing that I'm waisting my time doing what I'm doing. I've decided to take affirmative action.
I'm moving out.
I'm sending emotional emails.
I'm trying to find a new job.
I'm trying to read more.
I'm finally going to the gym again.
I'm trying to set the stage for a good and healthy year ahead...I guess.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
My Dumbest Moment
Tonight, I decided to take wardrobe "options" with me to my girlfriend's house. I had two shirts, plus each shirt's accessory. I grabbed the Wrinkle Releaser as I was leaving the house, and threw it in my bag. After I decided what shirt to wear, I hung it up, took the Wrinkle Releaser from the bag and promptly sprayed my shirt. After a few minutes, I took the shirt down, and put it on, only to notice that there were red spots all over the shirt--well, more like a rust color. I thought it was just one spot, then I noticed there were other spots on the shirt. Instantly, I thought the chemicals in the Wrinkle Releaser reacted with the shirt blend. Then, I turned and saw the bottle on the counter, and realized I had grabbed BLEACH. I bleached my new fucking shirt! I felt like such an asshole! I am an asshole!
What was I saying earlier about idiots--we're taking over the world. Sheesh.
What was I saying earlier about idiots--we're taking over the world. Sheesh.
Ah, to Please all the People
I was confronted tonight about the fact that I don't speak up when I want to do something, or if I don't want to do something. All I hear, Ask the Birthday Girl. It's Your Day, what do you want to do? I know it's my birthday. I'm not one to want to be the complete center of attention. And, I want all the people involved to be comfortable and having a good time. But, I think my acuser is guilty of the same thing. She doesn't realize it, but she is. Even after the confrontation, I don't feel like she understands me any better. I'm back to the whole, no one listens to me deal. Boo Hoo. I just think if someone listened to me once in a while, they would see the window through which all the insight about myself shines through. I am a very open, honest person, but I do want everyone to be happy. So, when someone says, Do you want to go out to celebrate, even though I don't typically "go out," I will to go with the flow. This really makes me feel conflicted because some tell me to relax and "go with the flow" and others tell me to be more decisive. When I'm decisive, I'm bossy, when I'm relaxed, I'm just letting people tell me what to do. I don't feel like I could have won, no matter what. I did have a decent time tonight. The "other friend" found two really young Dungeons and Dragons, straight out of high school, boys she thought I was interested in. Nope. No clue. Instead, we played photo hunt, and drank. Not everyone had a good time. That upsets me, especially because it was supposedly an outing in my honor, and I just wanted everyone to be happy. I feel like people should put out the ideas they have too, rather than leaving up to one person to decide for the group. Ugh. Ugh.
I just ate an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's--shit, I could've skipped the gym this week. Fuck.
I just ate an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's--shit, I could've skipped the gym this week. Fuck.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Pissy McPissed
I'm grumpy. Work sucked--it's a wonder this country succeeds the way it does with all the idiotic maniacs out there. The easiest task is like rocket science for teenage bimbos with cute smiles but nothing from ear to ear. Not wanting to approach said bimbo for her said stupidity, I went to a manager, expressing my feeling on the easiest job in the world--hosting. He wondered why I didn't try to explain her errors to her, to which I asked What was covered during her training? Blowing up balloons or restaurant rotation? In the end, he called me out on some stupid shit that I've been known to do, which did not solve my problem or the other two servers on--it only made me more bitter, and happy for my long weekend. Fuck.
I'm also a little bit grumpy because my so-called best friend proves to me on a nearly weekly basis that she knows NOTHING about me. She isn't going to be around the day of my birthday, so she wants to take me out tonight--I'm fine with that, but her other friend, who has become my friend-ish, would like to join us. Personally, I hate going out with that "other friend" because she's far too outgoing for me. So outgoing that despite her awkward blinking and her inability to talk about anything BUT herself, she's intrusive, loud, and sometimes a little rude. Every time I have gone out with her, she tries to find me a man--because no girl can live without one, I'm sure. But she does it in such an uncouth way. She basically sees anything with a penis, talks to him for a minute, holds up his arm, and screams, "How's this one?" To which I reply, "He's married!" She doesn't have any boundaries. Not only that, but the way I would like to find the man of my dreams is not by having a friend of a friend hold up his arm and have our eyes meet (both of us a deer in headlights for the spectacle that's taking place in front of us). I want to scope out a place, make eye contact, flirt casually from across the room, then go in for the approach. I'm slick like that, and that's how I'd like to stay--inconspicuous, coy, sophisticated. I almost don't want to go, but then I think that would disappoint my friend, who I love dearly and hold close to my heart. Although, I know she's going to come over here and try to tell me how to dress properly. Whatever. It's only one night, and the rest of the weekend should be a breezy, beautiful birthday.
I'm also a little bit grumpy because my so-called best friend proves to me on a nearly weekly basis that she knows NOTHING about me. She isn't going to be around the day of my birthday, so she wants to take me out tonight--I'm fine with that, but her other friend, who has become my friend-ish, would like to join us. Personally, I hate going out with that "other friend" because she's far too outgoing for me. So outgoing that despite her awkward blinking and her inability to talk about anything BUT herself, she's intrusive, loud, and sometimes a little rude. Every time I have gone out with her, she tries to find me a man--because no girl can live without one, I'm sure. But she does it in such an uncouth way. She basically sees anything with a penis, talks to him for a minute, holds up his arm, and screams, "How's this one?" To which I reply, "He's married!" She doesn't have any boundaries. Not only that, but the way I would like to find the man of my dreams is not by having a friend of a friend hold up his arm and have our eyes meet (both of us a deer in headlights for the spectacle that's taking place in front of us). I want to scope out a place, make eye contact, flirt casually from across the room, then go in for the approach. I'm slick like that, and that's how I'd like to stay--inconspicuous, coy, sophisticated. I almost don't want to go, but then I think that would disappoint my friend, who I love dearly and hold close to my heart. Although, I know she's going to come over here and try to tell me how to dress properly. Whatever. It's only one night, and the rest of the weekend should be a breezy, beautiful birthday.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Officially Liberated...soon
Teehee! It's official! I put the security deposit down last week, and the place is mine!! The women who own the farm are still doing renovations, so they say it still may be a couple of weeks, but still, it's official--the end is in sight! I'm feeling so optimistic lately, it's scary. I've begun the shopping process--pots and pans...check! I still need a shitload of stuff, but I'm soooo excited. I'm so anxious to see what I've had in storage for the last three years! Yay!!! I'll post pictures as soon as move-in is complete!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
