Balling, Blubbering, Birthday Blues

I have finally come to the conclusion that birthdays are an emotional time. If one has lost a loved one, birthdays (of the living or that of the deceased) become a time of nostalgia, conjuring up memories of years gone by as if concocting some potent spell. Even if there hasn't been a loss, each year becomes a stepping stone, a starting point, for the rest of the year--a birthday is a personal New Year. The birthday sets a precedent for how the rest of the year will pan out, or at least it begins the cycle with which the year follows.
For me, my birthday was a time during which new thoughts and new emotions played a part. For many years, my birthday was dampened by my hope that my own father would remember, or care enough, to send a sentiment that day--That day that I'm sure he'll never forget--he wasn't there then, and that sure did set the tone for the rest of my life. Eventually that hope faded away, and I was able to concentrate on the person who has been here throughout the years--mom.
For the last few years, I've been determined to spend my day with her--we spent the first one together, right? Last year, I was financially sound enough to treat her to a weekend in NYC for our birthdays (which fall only nine days apart). This year was different. We spent a minimal amount of time alone for my birthday. And, I guess that's because I've been up her ass for the past two and a half years while she and I both got our shit together. This fact definitely added to my emotional state.
My moving home two and a half years ago, was for financial reasons, but it turned out to be for a more pressing matter--everything DOES happen for a reason. However, our relationship has been strained by close quarters and Virgo idiosyncrasies, and that worries me. I'm worried that we won't be able to bounce back from this. We have really fought like siblings, and we crave time away from each other. That's why not spending so much time with her on my birthday makes me sad. I'm scared that our relationship is fading. It will never completely dissipate--I hope--but we've managed to strain it to the point of severe stress. It's time the weight is lifted--and it is being lifted...soon, I hope.
Alright, so in keeping with the background of my father not being involved in birthdays, I began thinking about my brother (my father's son from his second marriage). Technically, I have two half-brothers and two-half sisters from my mom's second marriage, and one half-brother from my dad's second marriage. Considering I lived with my mom, her children became my siblings--I never once considered them "half" of anything. When my dad had his second child, I was eleven years old, and beginning to finally learn the truth about my dad. He was becoming more distant as I got older (and more intelligent, I think--I don't think he could keep up with me in that way). Unfortunately, my brother, who I will refer to as "J" was lost in the sauce of my coming over every other weekend, or one weekend a month. Because of my situation at my mom's house, I was responsible for all my younger siblings. So, when I went to my dad's I didn't want to watch after a two month old. I guess it was my way of relaxing--going to dad's was a mini-vacation from the responsibilities that would inevitably be there when I returned. Because of this, J and I never had the opportunity to form a long-lasting, unconditional relationship--like the ones I have been able to form with my mother's children. Even the fact that I have formed lasting relationships with the others is sad in a way, because, if you think about it (which I have been doing for the last three days), the only reason I'm close with my mother's children is because of convenience. If I had lived with my father, the tables would be hanging from the ceiling (as opposed to being turned...).
Anyway, J approached D (my other brother who is roughly the same age as J) at school and told him to "Tell Your sister I said happy birthday." I took that to heart. Now I know J doesn't even considers me his sister, and that really upsets me. For a long time, my stepmother (who has since divorced my father), placed the responsibility of my relationship with J, and J's relationship with his grandfather (my dad's dad) in my lap--as if it is up to me to make sure that J stays in touch with his family.
Back to the fact, J and I are not close, and it has become more and more difficult, which is odd because both of us are getting older, and are more capable of taking responsibility for our own actions. So, I sent him an email, and I hope that that email (as emotional as it was) will bring forth a new set of tools with which we will be able to form some kind of lasting relationship, whether it be as friends or siblings.
In addition to family, finances are again running my life, and I'm realizing that I'm waisting my time doing what I'm doing. I've decided to take affirmative action.
I'm moving out.
I'm sending emotional emails.
I'm trying to find a new job.
I'm trying to read more.
I'm finally going to the gym again.
I'm trying to set the stage for a good and healthy year ahead...I guess.